So after a day of running around the city doing a little record shopping we ended up stopping at our favorite coffee shop, Coffee Proper, on the way home through Lakewood. First off, best coffee shop in the area, hands down. Anyhow we always have some great conversations there with the staff and owner. This was on of the better ones and more graphic. I was talking about the latest “people going ape shit crazy at McDonald’s over breakfast” viral video. This one here:
This of course digressed into a comedy bit by the resident comedian about kids shitting in the ball pits and that is why you never see them in the playlands anymore. Makes sense honestly. Who and how do you disinfect all those balls? Snot, poop, pee, germs? 1,000’s of plastic colored balls. Those pits have got to be a Petri dish of absolute funk. I am guessing the latest Ebola outbreak didn’t come from Africa. It actually came from the last McDonald’s Playland in Texas with a ball pit.
So we hit on a couple of other McDonald Land topics surrounding items that people go fucking bananas over. Late for breakfast at McDonald’s videos are pretty common. People loose their shit if they can’t get a damn McMuffin or a Hash Brown after 10:00am. If you are there at 10:01am McDonald’s obviously has a policy of take every single breakfast items off the line and immediately throw it in the garbage. If you are ordering a McMuffin at 9:59am and they don’t hit the button before that clock strikes 10:00am (10 is an arbitrary number here, as I don’t know how long McDonald’s serves breakfast nor do I care) you are fucked. People want to fistfight over this garbage food, and apparently to actually serve the customer a shitty breakfast sandwich over a shitty lunch sandwich is a big ordeal.
The Shamrock Shake. Ohhhhhh Uncle O’Grimacey, you hairy fat bastard with your cool creamy delight. You used to have me every year until you got all fancy and put whipped cream and a cherry on top of that delight. This minty concoction ropes everyone in every year around St. Patrick’s Day. But it’s not Uncle O’Grimacey that makes people go insane. It’s a different delight that people freak the fuck out over. It’s the McRib.
The McRib was a scientific experiment gone wrong that somehow gained a cult following. Let’s talk about what the McRib is before I go into detail of what I tasted. MCRIB PORK PATTY: Ingredients: Pork, Water, Salt, Dextrose, Preservatives (BHA, Propyl Gallate, Citric Acid). The ‘pork’ is restructured meat, meaning that there is no real quality meat involved. Instead they use the disposable innards of the pig such as tripe, heart, and scalded stomach which are then turned over to a process which cooks all of the pig scraps in water and salt. This process extracts all of the salt-soluble proteins and congeals everything together into a rubbery concoction respectfully titled as a “pork patty”. Well, isn’t that disgusting?
So on the way home from Coffee Proper I stopped at McDonald’s and picked myself up the one and only McRib. It comes in a nifty little box, I opened the box and the smell alone almost made me gag. I never ate a McRib in my life even when I was in the 300 pound range. Even as an unhealthy slob I wouldn’t even eat this shit sandwich. The smell of the sauce is gag inducing. It smells like sour smoke, like Sour Patch Kids mixed with burnt urine soaked compressed fire logs. The sandwich is loaded with this nasty barbecue sauce so you won’t notice the pale grey meat product that sits on that bun. The gooey sauce is covered with a handful of onions, a couple pickles and served on a bun. There is more sauce on the bottom of the meat as well again to hide the fact you are eating a grey piece of unrecognizable meat. The patty itself is about a quarter inch thick, and is formed to look like rib bones sticking out.
So I cut this bad boy in half before giving it a taste (a taste which I can still feel in the back of my throat an hour later). The bun looks dense but if you push you finger on it the bun caves and flattens like a wet piece of Wonder Bread. The McRib patty looks like an old piece of liver. It is grey, but it’s not, it’s void of color. It is not a color at all really. The patty looks like a piece of liver whipped and formed and injected with air bubbles. It looks like a grey meat sponge. It feels like kitchen sponge. When pressed on it bounces back. It is grey spongy meat with elasticity.
Then I took a bite. The overwhelming taste of corn syrup mixed with processed liquid smoke just overpowered everything. The bun, the meat patty, all melded together into this nasty sponge like texture. Then the bun starts to break down into wet white bread, forming a paste. Then you are hit with the patty. It is like eating a meat sponge. It is almost bouncy. I imagine what eating a melted superball would feel like. There is no flavor to the meat patty. There is no pork flavor. There is no flavor that even would remind you of actual meat. It is all sponge and I am powering through every single chew. You can’t swallow it. You are force to chew it until the gooey sauce breaks it down in your mouth. It all feels the same. It all tastes the same. You are eating sauce. The bread and the meat have zero flavor and mirror each other in consistency. This is not food. This is a scientific experiment in what can we do with this left over slop and call it food.
I have eaten some garbage in my life, but the McRib tops the list of most disgusting things I ever put in my mouth. I think blowing a hobo would be better than eating a McRib, and while I was brave enough to try the McRib I have no interest in the later. How does this thing come back year after year and how in the world does it have a dedicated fan base that would rival the iPhone? People demand this thing and cry when it leaves the menu. People go absolutely crazy over a formed pork made with shit no one would eat until they mixed it into a quirky flat patty that looks like it has rib bones sticking out of it. Beyond asking how do people eat this shit I want to know exactly the demographic this thing appeals to. I seriously am still tasting this thing and it is not pleasant. I want to go shave my tongue and gargle with grain alcohol. I want to take a pipe cleaner and scrub all the way down my esophagus. No matter how much water I drink the aftertaste seriously is coating my entire mouth and throat with a film of nasty. What the hell is wrong with you people?